ball of lightning [dot] com

[Music|”The Final Countdown” by Europe]
[Mood|Spent]

(Let’s see if I can bring back the whole Music/Mood thing now that I’m not too lazy to hit “tab” to the next field… Overachiever level is black until further notice… Rest easy…)

Not much to say this week, hence the multiple day absense of God himself… oh wait, no, no, that was me…

Paid all my Cornell deposits and whatnot… Good, good, very good.

Woooo Byung-Hyun Kim allows one hit in five innings… go my submarining hero…

School is boring, AP tests are pointless, and I’m “overfat.”

The synopsis is complete…

Yes the Magic 8 Ball has spoken… Unfortunately it chose Amherst, which, well, isn’t really all that possible right now. So here’s my final analysis of all my college acceptances, and at the bottom, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, I’ve announced my university of higher learning for the next four years.

We’ll go in order of my acceptance.

Clarkson University

Clarkson was one of those schools that I never really planned on applying to. In fact, I probably never would have found out it even existed were it not for one Duffman nominating me for the Clarkson University Achievement award (which brought with it a $9,000-10,000 scholarship). I originally leaned fairly hard to this school, under the assumption that I was going to get pretty much a full ride, at least according to my university “sources.” The school suddenly left a bad taste in my mouth when my financial aid came back weak… Very weak. They also had to knock my achievement scholarship down to $8,000/year because of “financial constraints.” Couple that with the sad fact that their campus is near Canada, and once I saw the financial aid, whatever lust I had for the home of the Golden Knights quickly dissipated.

Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute

RPI is a school that satisfies the inner geek in me. With its campus wide wireless network (except for the bathrooms… Don’t worry, there’s an Ethernet jack at every sink/toilet/shower) and computer nerds running rampant across campus talking about video games, and who had the better processor. Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy talking about those things once in a while. But not 24/7. Not in Troy, New York. The academics aren’t the problem; it’s the social life. I’m not planning on turning into Mr. Constant Drunkard whom streaks across the campus green, but I’d like to expand out a little farther than RPI. So big fat Leadership Scholarship (and it was FAT) or not, I knew RPI wasn’t for me.

Boston University

I’ll admit, I didn’t really have any basis behind applying to this school. Once I heard Logan was applying to Connecticut College and that the students weren’t the ideal buddies to hang out with for four years, I had to bail. And Boston U. was #7 on the list of schools overall, so they got bumped up to the coveted #6 spot. Helping their cause tremendously is the fact that they gave me $20,000 in non-pay-back-able cash. In other words, the ever-so-popular, “free money.” The college is smack dab in the middle of Beantown which raises its status that much higher… The Boston Red Sox AND college? Does it get much better than that?

Tufts University

Tufts was that one school that wallowed around in my 4th-5th slot until I dumped MIT, Penn, and Columbia. They jostled with Amherst for room, and the appeal of a nice, cozy school on the outskirts of Boston really pushed me hard to this school. The location is absolutely perfect, I couldn’t ask for better. A top-notch university with a ton of research capabilities but utilized in such a personal, hands-on setting. Cash is a problem, though. A fairly substantial one at that. On the other hand, I did get accepted here, and Logan got rejected…

Cornell University

The granddaddy of all the schools on my list of goodness and joy. This one was probably the iffy #1 since the beginning, and I remember the first conversation I had when I declared my intentions to apply to CU.

Me: Well, I’m looking at Cornell; in Ithaca.
Maggi: Cornell’s for… well there’s a LOT of competition for Cornell, so make sure you have a broad selection of colleges along with it.

Not exactly a vote of confidence. The school is probably the #1 research facility in the nation, and boasts itself as home to some of the nation’s (and world’s) brightest students and professors. It’s not too far away from home, but it’s far enough I have no worries about dealing with interference from family members. Problem is… cash. Cash and fear. Well, fear I can’t compete at a Cornell-caliber level.

So do you want to know where I’m going? Click the “(more…)” link and the secret will be revealed.

Read the rest of this entry »

Sky Top was my final JBT stop ever, and I actually didn’t suck… I should “quit” bowling more often…

First 5 games were nothing special at all… I finished -14, and in my infinite luck, managed to be the last person to make the cut. So yes, I went into the semifinal qualifying rounds dead last of the remaining bowlers. Then shot something akin to 245, 195, 217 which helped vault me back into 3rd. As for the stepladders, I waited for the winner of the first match (happened to be some kid named Bo) and proceeded to lose like 264-193. The 264 was with his 34 pins of handicap, but still… The kid averages 137 and somehow manages to bowl a 230 scratch against me… Go figure.

And lets get it up for my main pro shop man Doug Sterner, for being tardy with the shipment of my new Blades… Got to use Brandon’s Black Chaos, Kozlak’s old Heat II, and Schmidday/Lenart/Fortin/Lusby’s old Money.

R.I.P. Pat Tillman…

A semi-complete list of Family Guy quotes that has accompanied this site before Family Guy was canceled (and resurrected).

101 - Death has a Shadow | 102 - I Never met the Dead Man | 103 - Chitty Chitty Death Bang |
104- Mind over Murder | 105 - A Hero Sits Next Door | 106 - The Son Also Draws | 107 - Brian: Portrait of a Dog

201 - Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater | 202- Holy Crap | 203 - DaBoom | 204- Brian in Love | 205 - Love Thy Trophy | 206 - Death Is a Bitch |
207 - The King Is Dead | 208 - I am Peter, Hear me Roar | 209 - If I’m Dyin’ I’m Lyin’ | 210 - Running Mates | 211 - A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Bucks | 212 - Fifteen Minutes of Shame | 213 - Road to Rhode Island | 214 - Let’s Go to the Hop | 215 - Dammit Janet | 216 - There’s Something About Paulie | 217 - He’s Too Sexy for His Fat | 218 - E. Peterbus Unum | 219 - The Story on Page 1 | 220 - Wasted Talent | 221 - Fore, Father

301 - The Thin White Line | 302 - Brian Does Hollywood | 303 - Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington | 304 - One If By Clam, Two If By Sea | 305 - And the Wiener is… | 306 - Death Lives | 307 - Lethal Weapons | 308 - The Kiss Seen Around the World | 309 - Mr. Saturday Knight | 310 - A Fish Out of Water | 311 - Emission Impossible | 312 - To Live and Die in Dixie | 313 - Screwed The Pooch | 314 - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father…Brother? | 315 - Ready, Willing, and Disabled | 316 - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin’ Christmas | 317 - Brian Wallows and Peter Swallows | 318 - From Method to Madness | 319 - Stuck Together, Torn Apart | 320 - European Road Show | 321 - Family Guy Viewer Mail #1 | 322 - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

E P I S O D E 1 0 1 - D E A T H H A S A S H A D O W

Peter: Now kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take
her clothes off.

Stewie: You know mother, life is like a box of chocolates, you never
know what you’re going to get. Your life however is more like a box of– active
grenades!

Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You’ve impeded my work since the day I
escaped from your wretched womb.

Peter: Boy, she’s pretty pissed, huh?
Brian: Yeah. Who’d have thought welfare fraud would be one of her
buttons?

Brian: Hey, Peter, it’s seven o’clock and you’ve still got your pants
on. What’s the occasion?

Peter: When she worries she says things like ‘I told you so,’ and
‘Stop doing that, I’m asleep.’

E P I S O D E 1 0 2 - I N E V E R M E T T H E D E A D M A N

Lois: Sweetie, it’s broccoli; it’s good for you. Now open up for the
airplane. [makes airplane sound]
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers.
Lois: My, aren’t we fussy tonight. OK, no broccoli.
Stewie: Very well then! (spits it out) Who the hell do you think you are?
Lois: Honey, it’s not going to go away just because you don’t like it.
Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear, the broccoli must die.

Peter: Meg, don’t believe what they’re saying. I always keep my eyes
on the road. I don’t miss a thing.
Television: We now return to Star Trek
Peter: Holy crap! Uhura’s black?

Stewie: Can I count to three? For God’s sake, I’m already shooting at
a fifth grade level

Peter: FOX is running one of those new reality specials at eight: Fast
animals; slow children.

Teacher: Well class, we were scheduled to watch a PBS Program
on the mating rituals of the nude, large-breasted Wewak tribe of New Guinea.
Unfortunately Megan Griffin ruined TV. So instead we’re having a surprise test.

Brian: Hey, barkeep. Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry
martini around here?

Fred: Gee whiz, gang, looks like the killer gutted the victim,
strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river.
Velma: Geez, what a mystery.
Scooby Doo: A-w-rooooo…
Fred: You’re right, Scoob, we’re dealing with one sick son of a bitch.

Captain Kirk: Alright men, this is a dangerous mission. And its likely
one us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock,
Doctor McCoy, and Ensign Ricky.
Ensign Ricky: Ahhhhhhh crap.

Tom (Tucker): Well Diane, that last report was so good I think you
deserve a spanking.

William Shatner: (dying) Beam me up God.

Lois: Now kids, your father’s just trying to spend time with his
family. Or kill us. I’m not sure which.

Peter: Lois, you’ve got a sick mind!
Lois: I’m talking about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest
their organs for beer money.

Announcer: What would you do for a Klondike bar? Would you stand on one
leg?
Guy: Sure.
Announcer: Would you act like a monkey?

Guy: Uh Huh.
Announcer: Woul.. Would you, would you kill a man?
Guy: Um… uh… well… (shots a gun, man screams)

E P I S O D E 1 0 3 - C H I T T Y C H I T T Y D E A T H B A N G

Man in White: (knocks on door) Hello? Is anybody home?
Stewie: Greetings “Man in White”, I’ve been expecting you.
Man in White: Who said that?
Stewie: Peek-a-boo, I see you. You’re getting warmer…
Man in White: Where are you, what do you want?
Stewie: Freedom. What do you want?
Man in White: I want to get the hell out of here.
Stewie: Oh I’m sorry, we’re fresh out of that. I’m afraid all we have
left is untimely death.
Man in White: What the hell is this?
Stewie: It’s a boy. (kills “Man in White”)

Stewie: I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own
feces?

(Takes place at evil Cheesie Charlie’s)
Timmy: I have 13 tickets now, is that enough?
Charlie: Oh, sorry Timmy, but you need 15 tickets to live.

Stewie: You’re one of them, aren’t you? What are they paying you? I’ll
double it. I’ll give you whatever you want! Money! Women! Men!

Peter: Chris, this is a big day for you, the day you become the man of
the house… because when we get home your mother is going to kill me.

Chris: Hey, birthday dude, do you want some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill
you.

Stewie: The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of
your wisdom

E P I S O D E 1 0 4 - M I N D O V E R M U R D E R

Peter: Booooo Lois… Yeah beer!

Stewie: For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!

Quagmire: Now that’s a woman! (looking at picture flash cards)
That’s a house… that’s a fish… and a bee!

Man: Wow, Lois Griffin. Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter: Hey listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I’m holding melons.
Peter: Oh.
Man: And her hooters ain’t bad either.
Peter: Now hang on a second there!
Lois: Peter, I’m holding Hooters!
Peter: Oh… sorry.
Man: No problem… Your wife’s hot.
Peter: Alright, that’s it!

Incisor: I’m free, free! I claim this mouth in the name of incisor!
Bicuspid: I think not!
Incisor: Ah, bicuspid. We meet again.

E P I S O D E 1 0 5 - A H E R O S I T S N E X T D O O R

Stewie: Machiavelli you’ve told me nothing I don’t already know. Ah–Tsun
Tsu’s ‘The Art of War’.
Lois: Stewie, those books aren’t for babies; here, watch the Teletubbies.
Stewie: How dare you, that book may hold the key to my enslaving of all
mankind–ooh, fuzzy. God, the more I resist, the more intriguing they become. I
can’t look away. (giggle onscreen) Yes, yes, again, again, oh dear god
please once more.
Peter: Eh, sorry Stewie, A & E biography is doing the life of the
other guy from Wham.
Stewie: I’m free. Free from the spell of those diabolical teletubbies.
Thank you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.

Guy 1: Hey, you want a piece of gum?
Guy 2: Oh, thanks.
Guy 1: Ha ha! That was joke gum.
Guy 2: What do you mean?
Guy 1: Now you’re addicted to heroin. (laughs)
Guy 2: (laughs) I’m cold. (shivers)

The Grinch: You think you have won. You think all is well. But kiss my
green ass; I shall see you in hell.

Meg: (trying to get Kevin to notice her) I can’t taste salt!

Brian: Gosh, I’d like to help you, Peter, but I’ve got to go out in
the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about five minutes.

Peter: Holy crip, he’s a crapple.

(Police officer tries to shoot at Peter but his gun is deflected)
Boy: Hey, look at my special edition John Kennedy Pez dispenser!
(Stray bullet shoots head off dispenser)
Boy: Well, at least I have my Bobby Kennedy Pez dispenser!

Bonnie: Don’t worry, Joe’s an excellent negotiator. I was a virgin
when we met. Took him three hours.

Brian: (panting rapidly)
Disgusted Woman: Uh, pervert!
Brian: Oh, don’t flatter yourself, honey. I don’t have any sweat glands.

E P I S O D E 1 0 6 - T H E S O N A L S O D R A W S

Peter: (in a horse costume with Chris in rear) Uh, one please. (Chris
sneezes)
Ticket Man: Wait a second, your ass just sneezed. And horses can’t talk!
No, no, no, no, nothing about this adds up at all!

Peter: Oh my god! Brian, there’s a message in my Alphabits. It says
“Oooooooooo.”
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Peter: I didn’t know anyone in this family had any talent. Well, he he,
except for that one thing your mother does.
Chris: You mean play the piano?
Peter: No, no. She– (thinks for a second while looking at Chris)
–yeah.

Peter: What? Canada sucks.

E P I S O D E 1 0 7 - B R I A N : P O R T R A I T O F A D O G

Stewie: You’ll prance about this house like a cock on a walk, but will
you be prancing when, when, when there’s nothing to prance about? Hmmmmm? Will
you be prancing then?

Meg: Chris, you’re hogging up all the fans.
Chris: Yeah, well, you’re, hogging up all the ugly!

(Lois has rolling pin)
Pillsbury Dough Boy: Nothing says I love you like something from… Hey!
What the hell are you doing you crazy bitc– (gets rolled over).

Peter: (in a letter) Dear MacGuyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a
paperclip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.

E P I S O D E 2 0 1 - P E T E R P E T E R , C A V I A R E A T E R

Stewie: Cut my eggs.
Butler: (cuts eggs) Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Butler: I can’t sir, it’s liquid.
Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it; and if you question me again
I’ll put you on diaper detail. And I promise I won’t make it easy for you.

E P I S O D E 2 0 2 - H O L Y C R A P

Peter: My dad worked at that factory for sixty years. That’s almost
eighty years.

Chris: I didn’t even know there was a 5 AM mass. I didn’t even know there
was a 5 AM. What else haven’t you told me?!?

Lois: He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?
Peter: I don’t know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and
crackerjacks.
Brian: I don’t care if he ever comes back (silence) I wasn’t being cute, I
really hope he’s dead.

Stewie: (with Bible) My my, what a thumping good read. Lions
eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. I’ll say, you
won’t find that in Winnie the Pooh.

Peter: (imagines hell, sees famous evil people playing poker) Wow.
Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth, eh… hey, what, what are you doing
here? (to Superman)
Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than
a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.

E P I S O D E 2 0 3 - D A B O O M

Peter: I don’t take coupons from giant chickens, not after last time.

Large Chicken Mascot: The world is going to end a midnight tonight. Y2K.
Peter: Y2K? What are you, selling chicken or sex jelly?
Large Chicken Mascot: Haven’t you heard? At midnight every computer in
the world is going to fail. Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world’s
nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet.
Peter: Noooooooo! (runs to Trix Rabbit whose about to eat Trix)
Peter: (takes Trix) Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. (to
himself) Damned long-ears trying to take Easter away from Jesus. (to
Large Chicken Mascot) I’m sorry, what were you saying?

Lois: Oh, Stewie, you’re adorable.
Stewie: Yes, yes, I rather like the sash, but do the Huggies make my ass
look big?

Peter: Everyone knows there are only two things that can survive a
nuclear holocaust: cockroaches and Twinkies. And there’s a Twinkie factory in
Natick!

Meg: It’s just not fair. I finally get a date with Kevin, and he gets
vaporized.

E P I S O D E 2 0 4 - B R I A N I N L O V E

Peter: So, what the hell, Brian, you cured yet? Because, you know, I
don’t want to have to live in a house with plastic on the furniture like some
Italian family.

Peter: (at a bookstore) Yeah, I’m looking for toilet training
books.
Salesman: Oh yes, we can help you there. “Everybody Poops” is
still the standard, of course. We’ve also got the less popular “Nobody
Poops but You.”
Peter: Huh, well, see, we’re Catholic so—
Salesman: Oh, then you want “You’re a Naughty Child and That’s
Concentrated Evil Coming Out the Back of You.”
Peter: Perfect!

Stewie: Oh, this is just so good it has to be fattening.

Lois: This could be a nice way for you and Stewie to bond.
Peter: Bond. (pause) Jaaames Bond. All right Lois, I’ll do it.

Stewie: What the hell is this?
Lois: Sweetie, that’s tuna salad.
Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was
mayonnaise and cat food.

Lois: Stewie, did you unhook mommy’s bra?

Peter: Come on Stewie, don’t you want to pee in the toilet like a big
boy?
Stewie: Well, perhaps I could give it the old college try. Why don’t you
put your hands right there (points to the toilet seat), it’ll help me relax.
Peter: Ok buddy. (Stewie slams toilet cover shut) Ahh! Heh, hey, maybe
you don’t have to pee. Hey I ought to just give you some beer, it goes right
through you.
Stewie: Wonderful! And while we’re at it we could light up a doobie and
watch porn.
Peter: Ye– Yeah?
Stewie: Listen you, I’ll use these facilities when I’m damn well ready.
Until then, you shall continue to sanitize my crevice, and be damn grateful for
the opportunity. Starting right, un, uhn, uhhunn. Well, not now, but soon!

E P I S O D E 2 0 5 - L O V E T H Y T R O P H Y

Peter: You know what’s really amazing, Brian? I haven’t brushed my
teeth in three days and no one has said a thing.

Quagmire: What’s all the noise boys? I was just jerk— ing out of a
sound sleep.

Meg: Being a single mother is hard, but the real challenge is having a
baby that’s addicted to crack. Right Stewie?
Stewie: What’s that? Oh yes, yes, I love crack. I’m absolutely cuckoo for
crack.

Stewie: Flappy; good news. I’ve decided not to kill you.

Peter: That was then and this is now. And this is a chair. And that’s a
lamp. And you have boobies. And I’m going to find that trophy!

Child Services Woman: Hello.
Quagmire: Hey, get the hell off my lawn–well hello lips, legs, breasts,
and ass.

Child Services Woman: I need to ask you a few questions about
your neighbors, the Griffins.
Quagmire: The Griffins? Buncha card-carrying Commies if you
ask me, heh awwwright… No! No, it’s not alright!

Stewie: What’s this? Blueberries! Oh, oh my G… oh, that’s
better than sex!

Stewie: Good God, I’ve been adopted by a Benetton ad!

Stewie: Oh, hosanna, it’s the lesser of two evils!

Stewie: Ah! Damn it! I want pancakes. God! You people understand every
language except English. Yo quiero pancakes. Dali muah pancakes. Clik clik
bloody clik pancakes.
Foster Mother: Poor little guy, pancakes must be street for crack.

(African, Indian, Chinese, Eskimo, and Mexican babies are lying in a
semi-circle on the carpet in the foster home’s living room)
Chinese Baby: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie: I’ve got a better idea, let’s go play swallow the stuff under the
sink.

E P I S O D E 2 0 6 - D E A T H I S A B I T C H

Peter: (on plane acting as Death) Hey, nice plant. (touches
plant, plant withers and dies) Note to self; do not go to the bathroom.

Peter: I don’t say this often enough, but, uh, I’m going to die.
Lois: Oh my God!
Stewie: High five! Anyone? Anyone?

Peter: I’ve had a good life. And you can always be proud of your father
and all of his accomplishments.
Meg: What accomplishments?
Peter: Go to your room.

Stewie: You! Heat up some gravy for our guest. My last helping of white
meat was drier than Oscar Wilde.

Stewie: It seems with death incapacitated my matricidal efforts are
futile.

Meg: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well, that would just leave England.

Peter: I’m not going to kill those kids. If they die I’ll have nothing to
watch on Wednesdays… Other than the fine programs on Fox.

E P I S O D E 2 0 7 - T H E K I N G I S D E A D

Stewie: You know, mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen
Hayes once said, I’m going to kill you.

Peter: Lois, my penis belongs on stage!

Peter: What am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put ‘em in a tub
and clean myself with them? That’s what soap is for, Lois.

Peter: I thought you wanted to do a good show. If you want to do a bad
show why don’t we just do ‘Rent?’

Stewie: You know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. Look,
the fact is the man is out there every bloody night with fresh material and he’s
charming.

Meg: I don’t get it, mom, if you’re so mad at dad for wrecking your show,
why did you come to opening night?
Lois: I came because I love the theater. I mean, if I just came here to
enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle of his is
ridiculed by everyone in town, what kind of person would I be?
Chris: A bitch.

Lois: (at play auditions) Peter, what are you doing here?
Peter: Well Lois, I tried finding my creativity like you said. First I
took an art class (drawing a nude model, Peter says, “Am I, am I
supposed to draw the penis?”), then I tried sculpting (sculpting a
nude model, Peter says, “Am I, am I supposed to sculpt the penis?”),
then I tried music (conducting a symphony, Peter says, “Am I, am I
supposed to conduct with my penis?”). I was starting to think there was
nothing I’d be good at. Then I realized that this is it. Lois, my penis belongs
on stage!

E P I S O D E 2 0 8 - I A M P E T E R, H E A R M E R O A R

Lois: You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club!
Peter: Come one, Lois, you’re acting like this is the first time I ever
did something stupid.

Salesman: You could take the boat, orrrr the “Mystery
Box.”
Lois: We’ll take the boa–
Peter: Now hold on Lois, a boat’s a boat, but the “Mystery
Box” can be anything! It can even be a boat!

TV Commercial Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot
women will have sex in your backyard.
Lois: Ugh, typical male fantasy… women drinking beer. I guarantee you a
man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It’s a commercial Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving
dinner.

Peter: Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at
while you’re talking to ‘em.

(Peter is at workplace sensitivity training)
Ms. Ironbox. All right now, lets do some role-playing. I’ll be the office
assistant. Mr. Henson, why don’t you play the boss, and we’ll see what you’ve
learned tonight.
Mr. Henson: OK.
Ms. Ironbox: The filing is done Mr. Henson.
Mr. Henson: Thank you Ms. Ironbox, you are a valued member of our
business team and every bit as important to this company as I am.
Ms. Ironbox: Excellent. Mr. Griffin, why don’t you come up here and give
it a try.
Peter: All right.
Ms. Ironbox: The filing is done Mr. Griffin.
Peter: Thank you Ms. Ironbox, you are a valued member of our business
team and I will give you a raise tomorrow if you come to work without a shirt
on.
Ms. Ironbox: (gasp) Mr. Griffin!
Peter: I’m, I’m sorry, that came out wrong. Let, Let me try again— Nice
ass.

Peter: You know, if I weren’t so sure you’re a lesbian I’d say you’re
coming on to me.

Chris: Oh my God, dad’s a chick!

Stewie: Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I’ll give you a hint. It’s in
my diaper and it’s not a toaster.

Stewie: Ok, ok. I’ve got it, I’ve got it. If you cooked any more slowly,
you wouldn’t need an egg timer. You’d need an egg calendar. Ahahaha. Oh, that’s
right. I went there.

Peter: I’m starving, how about a sandwich? (smacks Lois’s ass)
Lois: Glad to have you back Peter.
Peter: Lois, less talky more fetchy.
Lois: I’m just going to assume that’s Chinese for I love you.

E P I S O D E 2 0 9 - I F I ‘ M D Y I N ‘ I ‘ M L Y I N ‘

Peter: Tonight Katie Couric guest stars as a very perky crack whore.

Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
Calahan: Well you, you can’t eat a stapler.
Peter: Wanna split it?

Chris: Um… Mr. McCloud, I didn’t study for this test, but I got a good
reason. I’m dying.
Mr. McCloud: Griffin that’s the lamest excuse I’ve heard since Steinberg
came up with that Jewish high-holiday crap. Steinberg! Take that hat off in my
classroom. (Steinberg takes off yamaka)

Peter: I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn’t NOTHING?
Peter: Oh yeah.

Peter: I’ll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing
once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn’t nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

Peter: Wow, I look like a freakin’ Emmy.

Stewie: How positively delightful! It’s as if someone stabbed Mr.
Bubbles.

Peter: There’s gotta be an explanation for all this.
Brian: You want an explanation? God is pissed!

Peter: I’m just a big fake, like the moon landing and Marky Mark’s hog in
Boogie Nights and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. I don’t mean that completely
unproved gay rumor, they’re just both really phony.

E P I S O D E 2 1 0 - R U N N I N G M A T E S

Peter: I know, you’re a feminist, and I think that’s adorable, but
this is grown-up time now and I’m the man.

Lee Majors: What? Women are things.

Stewie: Does this not disgust you?
Brian: Kid, you’re talkin’ to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.

Stewie: I miss my mommy. Yes, yes, I also miss colic and rectal
thermometry.

Stewie: Damn, damn, damn, damn. I’ve grown accustomed to her face.”

Reporter: Stay tuned for our special investigative report on the
clitoris, nature’s Rubik’s cube.

Boredom breeds insanity. Insanity breeds blatent stupidity. Blatent stupidity breeds another post.

Many people have asked about the Cornell expierience. Great. The campus is amazing, and will probably look even better when the trees actually grow leaves rather than resemble statues of Kate Moss. All of the different “colleges” within the university have disctinctive architectural styles. The Engineering school has a modern, geometrical look, and the building is faced in glass. Human Ecology draws greatly upon Greek architecture. The hotel school looks like… well the Hilton. CAS (Arts and Sciences, aka my school) is an amazingly large Gothic structure of “epic proportions.” The gorges are quite nice to look at, though one must wonder about how a fall nearly a hundred feet into a shallow, raging river must feel. The dorms are very nice and well maintained, and the community centers look very sharp and inviting.

The people I met quickly changed a preconcieved notion of the Ivies as well. Nearly all of the people I spoke with (both Cornellians and members of the Class of 2008) were very pleasant and seemed to enjoy speaking with me and others. Not that there weren’t the stereotypical WASP’s milling about, as well as the rich, drunken, jocks driving insanely fast through campus with the windows down and the ever-so-pleasant strains of 50 Cent bouncing off the stone structures on campus, but they almost seem to be in the minority. The school still seems a bit cliquey, but I guess that’s to be expected with the vastly diverse student body.

I harbored two fears before visiting the school. One, it’s size intimidated me. I never really banked on attending a very large school, and I didn’t know how I would stand up in a school of 14,000 undergrads. I still don’t know. What I do know, is Cornell University is more of an umbrella (for lack of a better analogy). The students all go to the same university, but attend different colleges, activities, parties, etc. Cornell’s obnoxious random fees seem to drive students off campus after freshman year, moving them to the surrounding cottage/apartment filled Collegetown, leaving on-campus less densely populated during non-class hours.

My second fear was the workload. God and Logan as my witnesses, I’ve never been the prototypical hard worker (or “code red” overachiever). I’ve really… how shall I put this without making me sound like an incompetent oaf… “skated” through high school. I’ve been wise enough to pick and choose my battles when it came to homework, papers, studying, tests, and I still managed to survive high school as the cleanup hitter in a class of 310 people. If I got to Cornell here’s how I saw my four scenarios playing out:

1.) I could find motivation, work insanely hard, and fall around the mean.
2.) I could find motivation, work insanely hard, and fall flat on my face.
3.) I could be easily distracted, not stick close to my peers, and again, fall flat on my face.
4.) I could employ the same strategy as high school and pray I break even.

Going hand in hand with the workload was student competitiveness. I can’t get competitive over grades, I just can’t. Aside from the occasional (or frequent) “Haha, I’m better than Looogan!” cheers, I didn’t really care what I got on tests, or what other people did. Hell, I haven’t even shown my parents my report card in three years. They don’t figure that out until my name is in the paper, at which point they chastise me for not taking pride in my accomplishments, and I shrug my shoulders.

So what was my conclusion about the work at Cornell. It’s still tough. Very tough. But not unbearably tough. Everyone talked to on-campus (and believe me, this question came up a LOT) seemed fairly relaxed and agreed that they became stressed during the semester, but it’s not unlike what other students face at other institutions. And thousands of people have graduated before me, so clearly not everyone jumps into the gorges.

So overall, I was happy. Our ideas of social life don’t connect quite as well as Velcro, but many of my fears were squashed. The town was nice, the campus was nice, now if only the money could be nice…

Back from Cornell… it rules.

Played 18 holes today at Meadowgreens. My 2nd 9 were OK, but my front nine… arrg, I haven’t shot over 50 since 8th grade.

Not much else, the final (most likely) PAL game is today, so I’m in “conserve energy” mode which means more loafing, less typing.

… and away I go!

The first step in deciding between BU and Cornell…

Boy was FOX a little over the top tonight with the whole Aaron Boone thing.

“There’s Aaroon Boone, deep to left…”
“The Yankees are going to the World Series!”
“Remember last year, when Aaron Boone homered?”
“Wakefield’s first pitch since the twelfth inning of last year.”
“Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS; Sox heartbreak…”
“Theeeeee Yankees won… Theeeee Yankees won!”

So for one sweet night in the middle of April. Ha… ha ha ha… hahahaha… take that A-Rod…

NOTE: I’m bored, the Sox are rained out, and our basketball game isn’t until 8. So joy, joy, joy, here’s me spilling more college mumble…

You’d think my decision would be getting easier. Nah.

My parents may have finally broke on the allowing me to go to Cornell, even with the high tuition fees we’ll encounter thanks to our “comfortable” financial aid status. Fine and dandy.

So it looks like I’ll be visiting Cornell Sunday/Monday to discuss financial aid and participate in “Cornell Days.”

So now I have to reevaluate, here’s how I stand.

The Case for Cornell:

Pros:
A big, prestigious school. An Ivy League school. A school that everyone wants to get in. Top notch astronomy and engineering programs. When I say “I got into Cornell,” people are genuinely excited.

Cons:
Big. Expensive. Isolated. Am I pushing myself to go there because everyone around me wants me to go there?

Tufts: Go Jumbos?

Pros:
BOSTON! Nice and small, intimate, “specialized,” still prestigious.

Cons:
Expensive, weaker astronomy and engineering departments. (Though if I go here, the point is to study liberal arts, not engineering.) They don’t seem to have the name power to keep up with Cornell and BU because of their size.

Why do I put down BU so much?

Pros:
Again, BOSTON! Cash, go University Scholarship. Starting off grad school in significantly less debt. Still fairly prestigious. Honors program. Best dorms. Great life off campus being in the center of the greatest college city in the northeast. Second best school (behind Clarkson’s daily phone calls) when it comes to making me feel like they want me.

Cons:
Not AS prestigious. Weaker liberal arts program since campus is so broad. Very big.

So finances tip towards Boston University. Prestige (therefore future jobs/salary) tips towards Cornell. Most comfortable tips towards Tufts.

I better find one campus in the next week that I want to spend four years at.