Well, it’s been an interesting weekend. Plus on the alcohol– I hadn’t actually drank on a Thursday, Friday, Saturday in succession since the good ol’ days of Mews Residence Hall.
I’m feeling a bit better– like maybe I am coming out of my slump? I don’t know, things aren’t the same anymore– no matter how hard I have pretended to ignore that in the last 2 months. Whatever was done to me was– I don’t want to use the word irreparable– but it wasn’t superficial. And I don’t know, maybe I’ve handled it miserably, maybe everyone else has handled it miserably. I don’t know if you can actually figure something like that out. It might be one of those things where everyone sees everything through rose-colored glasses. I see one thing, someone else sees another thing. And no matter how everyone tries to explain their side of the story, their feelings, their mindset– you really can’t get it across. I can sit here and bemoan the world, and how I fucked up, and how much people can really be assholes, fuckers, and just plain ignorant towards me, but if that’s not the way another person sees it, then the point never gets across. Which of course may not make much sense, because that would make every single personal inconsolable to every hurtful act ever (though who knows, maybe I’m the inconsolable one?) Personal mindsets can be wonderful or terrible. I was mad all this time because I wasted time on something that never really existed. And THAT’S what sucks. Because I’ve wasted my time on plenty of things that have been there, and I’ve made worse. Or things that I thought were different from what they were. But something that doesn’t exist; well life’s just unfair. I also get too angry over individual flaws. That was a post a while back– But people do things without thinking, sometimes for selfish reasons, sometimes because they don’t understand the repercussions of their actions. That bothers me. It’s completely irrational, I know. But I almost find it unforgivable. Maybe it’s ME being selfish. I don’t know. Maybe I just want a little remorse shown. I don’t want someone to hear me get the courage to bring up something that angered me, or bothered me, or hurt me and to have the reply of “oh, sorry,” and then move on their merry, little, way, in essence going “whatever, I learned nothing,” or harsher “yeah, OK, but I really don’t see that important enough to change for you.” It’s even more aggravating when the same scenario repeats itself. You learn the hot buttons, yet you press them anyways. Why? But I might never have a valid solution to that. Or did I get one on Friday night?
“i don’t think you realize on how much of a higher level you think than us. you sit here and wait for people to read your subtle signals, and to think of someone other than themselves, and that everyone feels for you like you feel for everyone else.”
“you try to gently nudge people towards the side of compassion, good, and caring by leading by example– an unlike some, you’ve stuck with it even if every effort you ever make is just thrown right back in your face.”
“you’re like a walking novel from the 1800’s, like you are actually the fantastic image of a fictional person that some writer penned in their head. you sit up there and hope and wish and have faith that everyone else will change because you see everything on a different, higher level as everyone else, but 99% of people on this planet are selfish, egotistical, out to further their own goals, ambitions, life. they do what makes them feel good, even if it makes someone else feel far worse. if anyone tells you that this isn’t how it actually is, they are lying. probably for some selfish reason of course”
“those people just chew people like you up and spit you out– BUT they don’t know it. they don’t mean to, it’s just innate, just like eating, sleeping, sex, etc”
“of course, you finally hit it now, because you have left the group of high school “innocence” and are seeing people’s “true colors” when they are taken out of the shelter, and allowed to become their own individual. it’s how the human race has been for however long we haven’t been chimps, and it’ll be around forever– and im sure it’ll cause the eventual demise of mankind. i don’t what i can personally tell you, other than the fact that you just have to have faith that you think the way you do for a reason, and if you make one life better because you think that way, you improve the overall karma of the universe by one fraction of a point.
“you’re not wrong, you’re special, albeit through blind luck of natural selection or by divine intervention you are tremendously unique; but being different breeds lonliness, isolation, anger, frustration, depression, weakness, lethargy, and so on. the only thing you can do is try to move on, and keep spreading the word. someday you’ll hit home somewhere, with someone, in regards to something. and you’ll have been worthwhile.”
Hmm? Drunk/sober? Good points? I don’t know what to make of it, but I’ll give you points for creativity.
Lack of quality perhaps, sorry, I got sidetracked while writing my astro paper. I find it funny how if I’ll leave iTunes on replay, and through my writing, you can pick up exactly what type of song I was listening to, when.
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