ball of lightning [dot] com

While wandering around The Shoppes today…

Woman 1: “Hey, do you remember… what was the hand cream the gardener said he used?”
Woman 2: “Oh, I think it was something by Ahava.”
Woman 1: “Oh yeah; Ahava. (pause) His hands are so soft.”
Woman 2: “Tell me about it.”

I mean– do they randomly say stuff like this to fuck with people like me who overhear them, or are all those awful television shows based on a (every) true story?

[10:35 PM] Dan: also i’d probably just sue him
[10:36 PM] Colin: for what?
[10:36 PM] Dan: gayness
[10:36 PM] Dan: whatever it doesn’t matter i’d win

[12:20 AM] Colin: you need another all in
[12:20 AM] Colin: THIS HAND
[12:20 AM] Colin: just PUSH
(Jesse smooth calls blind)
[12:20 AM] Colin: THATS NOT JUST PUSH
[12:20 AM] Jesse: well i have 6s
[12:20 AM] Jesse: i dont need to push 30x the bl ind
[12:20 AM] Colin: OH MY BAD
[12:20 AM] Colin: YOU SHOULD HAVE REBOUGHT FOR 100000$
[12:20 AM] Colin: AND THEN PUSHED
(Jesse flops set of 6’s)
[12:20 AM] Colin: WHAT DID I TELL YOU

[12:30 AM] Colin: gods saying you win this hand
[12:30 AM] Colin: thats whY THE CAPS CAME ON
[12:34 AM] Jesse: now we have A5 of spades
[12:34 AM] Colin: this hand you might wanna see a flop with
[12:34 AM] Colin: see
[12:34 AM] Colin: wait
(Guy bets 10x big blind)
[12:34 AM] Jesse: oh sweet jesus
[12:34 AM] Colin: …
[12:34 AM] Colin: …
[12:34 AM] Colin: …
[12:34 AM] Colin: no caps
[12:34 AM] Jesse: thats a little excessive
(Still preflop, there’s a reraise in front of him)
[12:34 AM] Colin: muck it
[12:34 AM] Colin: he’s got the bitches
[12:34 AM] Colin: HES GOT THE BITCHES
[12:34 AM] Colin: ok ok god
[12:35 AM] Colin: i heard you the first time

I swear, if WordUpThome wasn’t fiction, I’d be on the Chicago White Sox right now…

[11:39 PM] Sean: he [LA Professor] went on a rant to start it
[11:40 PM] Sean: he said 293 people weren’t there last week
[11:40 PM] Sean: he said there were some good excuses
[11:40 PM] Sean: like a hospital visit
[11:40 PM] Sean: and a car crash
[11:40 PM] Sean: but for the most part
[11:41 PM] Sean: people faked being jewish
[11:41 PM] Me: hahahah
[11:41 PM] Sean: so instead of making a list of those people that were actually jewish
[11:41 PM] Sean: he’s not taking any points off
[11:42 PM] Me: dammit
[11:43 PM] Me: i wish i was there so i could have gone WOOOOOOOOOOO when he said “car crash”

Going along with the “people at Cornell are fucked up theme,” I had this exchange Tuesday night with someone from an opposing intramural team. (Yeeeeeah, I bowl pretty much every day. Gotta rep the CCAMS (meteorology club) team.) Now, to provide background, I had never met this guy before, however, he had this neurotic approach to bowling (including taking thirty seconds just to aim) as well as meticulate scorekeeping. Oh, and he was an AEP major. Also, it is important to note that I had not spoken to him outside of “nice shot” or “thanks” the entire evening.

(I’m keeping score at the table when John Mayer comes on the jukebox. Ew. Vagina Face.)
Weird Guy: Wanna hear something funny?
Me: Uh… Ok?
Weird Guy: You know how John Mayer likes to get off?
Weird Guy: …
Weird Guy: …
Weird Guy: He urinates on girls.
(I turn to make some vague semblance of an “Are you fucking kidding me?” face– and not in the “Are you fucking kidding me? John Mayer likes to piss on girls too?! face, I mean the “Did you seriously just fucking whisper that in my ear?” face.)
Weird Guy: It’s true, my friend totally hooked up with him.
Weird Guy: …
Weird Guy: He has a bent dick too.
Me: (Trying to end conversation as quickly as possible.) That’s… uh… great.
Weird Guy: What you don’t believe me?! John! Tell him what I told you about John Mayer!
(An Asian, who I can only assume is John, buries his head in his hands.)

“If you were getting raped, would you want a fucking gradual withdrawal?” - Venables (LA professor)

Context not withstanding–

I Meant Nowhere White People Would Want to Go.

Blond Tourist Bimbo: I’ve never even heard of the G Train.
Blond Local Bimbo: Yeah, it’s a ghetto train.
Blond Tourist Bimbo: Where does it go?
Blond Local Bimbo: Nowhere.
Black eight-year-old boy: Except my home, bitch.

— G train Hoyt/Schermerhorn station

I’m not sure which quote I should apply to my life more…

“I remember once imagining what my life would be like, what I’d be like. I pictured having all these qualities, strong positive qualities that people could pick up on from across the room. But as time passed, few ever became any qualities that I actually had. And all the possibilities I faced and the sorts of people I could be, all of them got reduced every year to fewer and fewer. Until finally they got reduced to one, to who I am. And that’s who I am, the weather man.”

or…

“Here’s something that if you want your father to think your not a silly fuck, don’t slap a guy across the face with a glove because if you do that, that’s what he will think. Unless you’re a noble man or something in the ninethenth century. Which I am not.”

… and don’t forget the tartar sauce.

Jesus H. Christ, Mark Foley is one disturbed individual…

We let this guy run shit in the government!?

I mean, his grammar is horrible, his spelling abominable, his instant message skills rival that of a twelve year old girl…

… oh, and he says shit like:

Maf54 (7:53:54 PM): do you really do it face down
Xxxxxxxxx (7:54:03 PM): ya
Maf54 (7:54:13 PM): kneeling
Xxxxxxxxx (7:54:31 PM): well i dont use my hand…i use the bed itself
Maf54 (7:54:31 PM): where do you unload it
Xxxxxxxxx (7:54:36 PM): towel
Maf54 (7:54:43 PM): really
Maf54 (7:55:02 PM): completely naked?
Xxxxxxxxx (7:55:12 PM): well ya
Maf54 (7:55:21 PM): very nice
Xxxxxxxxx (7:55:24 PM): lol
Maf54 (7:55:51 PM): cute butt bouncing in the air

In case you were ever bored with Torrington, Leah takes time out of her busy life to tell you the sixty things you CAN do– So print it off if you need a checklist, and get started…

[11:19 PM] Leah: go to the movies
[11:19 PM] *** Auto-response sent to Leah: Mmmm.

Shower.
[11:19 PM] Leah: go to twinco as friendlies is closed
[11:19 PM] Leah: go to price chopper at 2 am
[11:19 PM] Leah: go run circles around burr pond
[11:19 PM] Leah: go to the play ground
[11:21 PM] Leah: make ice cream sundaes
[11:21 PM] Leah: make a bonfire and roast marshmallows
[11:21 PM] Leah: camp under the stars
[11:21 PM] Leah: go to the YMCA and do cannonballs until u are kicked out
[11:22 PM] Leah: drive around aimlessly in goshen being awed at the immence open fiels
[11:22 PM] Leah: make every attempt to get lost somewhere near torrington and realize its not possible
[11:22 PM] Leah: steal road cones
[11:23 PM] Leah: drive to uconn to honk ur horn at logan
[11:23 PM] Leah: throw water balloons at passing cars from bushes somewhere
[11:25 PM] Leah: draw on the road with sidewalk chalk
[11:26 PM] Leah: play dress up lol
[11:26 PM] Leah: color random picures
[11:26 PM] Leah: have story time
[11:27 PM] Leah: bake cookies, esp for a wonderful person who gave u the ideaO:-)
[11:27 PM] Leah: rent a silly movie from ur childhood
[11:27 PM] Leah: play with action figures
[11:27 PM] Leah: play tag
[11:27 PM] Leah: play hide & seek in teh dark
[11:28 PM] Leah: read comics
[11:28 PM] Leah: ride a scooter down east main
[11:29 PM] Leah: sit in the high school parking lot and tell random stories about how much it sucked
[11:29 PM] Leah: go to a field and look for shooting stars
[11:29 PM] Leah: go fishign in besse pond to see what kind of mutant fish u can catch
[11:30 PM] Leah: go mini golfing & go karting & to the batting cages at R&B’s
[11:30 PM] Leah: tres has some to add - push them off a bridge, run them over with a car
[11:30 PM] Leah: go roller blading
[11:31 PM] Leah: sit in coe park and watch ppl
[11:32 PM] Leah: go to teh cliffs
[11:34 PM] Leah: tres has antehr one - lock all doors and windows and try to avoid going outside/breathig the air
[11:35 PM] Leah: play board games like cranium or twister
[11:36 PM] Leah: play pong with soda cuz otherwise ur parents would end up like the capitanios
[11:36 PM] Leah: rent a scary movie
[11:37 PM] Leah: try to catch fireflies
[11:37 PM] Leah: clean a river
[11:37 PM] Leah: hunt raccoons
[11:38 PM] Leah: drive around and pick up as many ppl as can fit in the car
[11:38 PM] Leah: then put some in teh trunk
[11:38 PM] Leah: make prank phone calls
[11:39 PM] Leah: plot world dominance
[11:40 PM] Leah: play little kid party games like pin the tail on the donkey & three legged race
[11:40 PM] Leah: go shopping at the very very expensive store aka the dollar store
[11:42 PM] Leah: make a pizza with strange toppings
[11:42 PM] Leah: get a gallon of ice cream and some spoons and eat it in the middle of the price chopper parking lot
[11:42 PM] Leah: throw a party with a ridiculous theme
[11:43 PM] Leah: play hide & go seek in walmart
[11:44 PM] Leah: watch a tv marathon of a good show
[11:44 PM] Leah: do karaoke
[11:44 PM] Leah: sing along to a playlist of one hit wonders
[11:45 PM] Leah: dance to all teh “dance” songs like macarent, cotton eyed joe, electric slide
[11:45 PM] Leah: go see everyone you kno for just 5 minutes each
[11:45 PM] Leah: order a ridicuolously large amount of food
[11:46 PM] Leah: take a walk in the woods
[11:47 PM] Leah: make popcorn from scratch
[11:49 PM] Leah: plant a veggie garden
[11:49 PM] Leah: annnd
[11:49 PM] Leah: have a water balloon fight!