ball of lightning [dot] com

Apparently, some kiddos from Bristol (obligatory shoutout to Mark at Bristol Ten Pin; bring back “Bowl Your Head Off”) were at Fenway today (yesterday, since it’s 4 AM) when some girl was randomly attacked by a red-tailed hawk. Which I’m like “well that blows, but it’s kind of funny.” It went from being “kind of funny” to “really fucking hilarious” once I found out her name.

BOSTON — A 13-year-old girl touring Fenway Park on a school trip was attacked by a resident red-tailed hawk that drew blood from her scalp Thursday.

She wasn’t seriously hurt, but some observers saw an omen for a certain New York Yankees slugger in the attack at the home of the Boston Red Sox. The girl’s name is Alexa Rodriguez.

Vince Jennetta, a teacher who chaperoned her class trip from Memorial Boulevard Middle School in Bristol, Conn., told The Boston Globe that Alexa is “a little shaken, but OK.”

The hawk was perched on a railing in the upper deck behind home plate while the group toured the stadium. The hawk flew at the girl and swooped with its talons extended, scratching her scalp.

I mean, if there was ever a case for intelligent design (or God having an awesome sense of humor), this is it.

A game thread on SoSH brought this back to my attention; Frank Francisco’s famous chair throwing incident from freshman year…

“Frank is best known for participating in one of the ugliest incidents of fan violence. On September 13, 2004, Frank threw a folding chair into the crowd in a game against the Oakland Athletics. The incident initially escalated when Rangers pitcher Doug Brocail charged from the Rangers’ bullpen to confront a fan, Craig Bueno, who, members of the Rangers later claimed, had been heckling the Rangers pitcher about his stillborn child. The chair thrown by Francisco hit Jennifer Bueno in the face and caused a cut, which required stiches. Frank was arrested and on June 30, 2005, he pleaded no contest to charges. He was sentenced to anger management classes and a work program. A civil suit brought by the woman hit with the chair was settled on January 12, 2007. Terms of the settlement included an undisclosed payment and a public apology.” - Wikipedia

The funny thing is not the chair about to hit the obese woman in the lower right corner– no– it’s the looks on the people’s faces in the section.

Some are clearly horrified that this burly Dominican was whipping folding chairs around like a frisbee during a Brown hippie-off. But better are the faces of people who are enjoying the fracas. “Yeah, take that, bitch!” My personal favorite is the Asian at the top– man, he clearly is enjoying his decision to immigrate to the Bay Area.

Reading the boards, which point me to Keith Law’s blog, which point’s me to this nugget from Twins’ beat writer Bob Sansevere.

If I’m the Twins’ general manager, here’s what I do. (And I’d do it under duress because I’d be working for a cheapskate owner.) I get on the horn with Boston Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein and say, “You want Johan Santana, right?”

Epstein likely will say, “Right.”

Then I say, “Tell you what. I’ll trade you Santana and Carlos Silva and Joe Nathan.”

Then I wait for Epstein to pick the phone up off the floor, and I say, “I don’t really want to part with Santana or Nathan, but my owner is a cheapskate and won’t pay what it will take to sign them long term. So, you give me center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury, second baseman Dustin Pedroia, closer Jonathan Papelbon, starters Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz, and we’ve got a deal.”

Presumably, Epstein will balk at giving up all that, so I’d tell him I need to get off the phone so I can call the Yankees. He’d come around because getting Santana and Nathan, particularly Santana, pretty much would ensure the Red Sox of several more trips to the World Series. And with that offense backing him up, Silva would help, too.

That’s right, he proposes the Sox send Ellsbury, Pedroia, Papelbon, Lester, and Buchholz for Santana, Nathan, and Silva.

Just give me a second.

OK.

…

…

Alright.

I have 72,042 cons and 1 pro.

Pro: The average height of the team (without Pedroia) would increase by .12″. As for the cons, while 68,342 have to do with how someone this retarded can land a job where his actual influence is more than that of that half drank bottle of riesling I tossed into Cayuga Lake last week (and seven have to do with the fact that Jessica Alba isn’t coming the other way in the deal), one does kinda stand out amongst the rest.

Con #65,053: Oh, Carlos Silva isn’t– er– on the Twins.

But, hey, what do I know about trading guys who recently filed for free agency. Maybe they’ll toss in Torii Hunter for Youkilis or something. Imagine the payroll savings when it comes to trading for guys without contracts…

Rotoworld sources are relaying that Detroit radio station 1270 AM reported Wednesday that the Lakers and Pistons had a “done deal” as of 6:45 PM on Tuesday that would have sent Richard Hamilton, Tayshaun Prince, Amir Johnson and a first-round pick to the Lakers for Kobe Bryant.
Both teams had reportedly agreed to the deal, but Bryant alledgedly vetoed it with his no-trade clause, apparently not wanting to go to a depleted Detroit team. It will be interesting to see how the Pistons’ players mentioned in the deal react to this news.

So Kobe is going to continue to whine about getting moved out of LA and continue to take shots at the team, players, coaches, and execs, but he is willing to veto trades so he can hand-pick the next team he can be the cancer on.

What a little bitch.

Ladies and gentlemen– I present to you…

… the 2007 AL East Champions…

… your American League pennant winners…

… the team with the best record in baseball…

… the best pitcher in baseball…

… the best closer in baseball…

… the best fans in baseball…

… the 2007 World Champions…

THE MOTHERFUCKING BOSTON RED SOX!

How can you not LOVE this team?!?

Dolphins LB Channing Crowder, who appears likely to start in the middle Sunday against the Giants with Zach Thomas ailing, says he didn’t know until Tuesday that people in London speak English.

“I couldn’t find London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries,” he said. “I swear to God. I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I know London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”

tHE Boston REd Sox are goingu to teh motherfcking world SerieS!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111

Weeeeeeeeewoooooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!111

“When Manny went deep, my first thought was, ‘Quit posing, Manny, we’re still down 7-3.’ Then it dawned on me that Manny probably had no idea what the score was. In fact, he probably isn’t aware that baseball games are determined by which team scores more runs. Manny’s only point of differentiation comes when, after hitting a home run, he sees his teammates waiting for him at home plate — it’s at that point he knows it’s time to go to the strip club”

Reader during Bill Simmons running diary of game 4 of the ALCS.

Remember this?

Word out of New York is that Joe Torre’s job is on the line as the Yankees try to avoid being swept by the Indians later tonight.

Lost amid the “OH NOES!!11 TEH TORRE FIRED!!1″ was this little snippet on “bug-gate.”

Steinbrenner also had some choice words about retiring veteran umpire Bruce Froemming and his decision to play through the late-game bug infestation during Friday’s Game 2 extra-inning victory for the Indians.

“The umpire was full of [expletive],” Steinbrenner told the paper. “He won’t umpire our games anymore.“

Steinbrenner: Fuck that guy! He’ll never work in baseball again! You hear me!
Yankee Assistant: Uh, George, he’s retiring.
Steinbrenner: His career is over! He’s done with!
Yankee Assistant: … yeah.
Steinbrenner: Never again! Never again!
Yankee Assistant: Uh sure.
Steinbrenner: A-Rod and apple juice dammit!